Last night at the bar a man approached me and said “I don’t mean to bother you but I’ve been observing you and think you’re very interesting. Please allow me to give you a little analysis of what I like and don’t like about you”. I was standing by myself at this point. I gave him a confused but acknowledging nod and said “go for it”.

But let me start with this: Any girl in this city knows the drill when it comes to men. They are unlike men in any other part of the world – they have guts and they will approach any girl, no matter how slim the chances might seem. As a matter of fact it’s rare that a day goes by that a woman doesn’t get accosted by a complete stranger.

It’s very easy to keep walking, ignore or give them a slick comment of denial…but when it comes to bars and social venues the question amongst ladies becomes when should the time of day be given?. Obviously the first judgments are based on appearance and demeanor but let’s put that aside for a second. I mean even if you aren’t looking to meet a boyfriend, if somebody approaches you with a sincere interest in conversation it is a little arrogant to deny them off the bat . But of course we all do it; which led my friends and me once to a discussion about this particular issue.  One of my girls insisted that we shouldn’t be so quick to judge the men that approach us “It’s so brave of them to come to a table of three women, we should really give them a chance”. But how many chances should you give when you are trying to have fun with those you already know. Well, instinct rules that, pity or non, if the first five minutes of chitchat don’t arouse a genuine curiosity or enjoyment, then, rude or not, excusing yourself is the way to go.

For the single ladies out there this may turn out to be a bit of a dilemma. I mean most of the men we find ourselves really into are those we’ve known for some time. It’s not looks that cause our crushes, it’s personality and swagger. The looks just capture our attention. But when we consistently deny the average  males a chance to show their personality, then we are probably also closing a door to other potential.  The dilemma here is that we never know whom to give the time. It’s rare that a man’s true personality shines through when he has mustered all his energy into trying to impress you those first minutes. Meanwhile, you’re most likely already thinking about what your girls are up to…Point being that the initial flirt rarely instigates any sparks and leads us to strike out any potential in most men we meet at  social venues. Basically proving all this approaching and brave flirtation to be useless to us NY girls..

As for the man last night: To begin with he wasn’t my type. But I did listen intently to his analysis and found myself in the midst of a one man speech which could as well have been a reading of 30 fortune cookies. To my rescue came a friend who stood by my side and eventually yawned enough for two  making it clear it was time to excuse ourselves…And so it went.

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As a young girl growing up in a big city, the overall impression of sex is an act of pure pleasure, not necessarily related to love, not necessarily related to commitment and certainly not worth delaying until marriage…or simply worth too much to.

Society flashes it in front of girl as if it were the number one ambition, the greatest joy of all…and so by the time she is 15 or 16, those around her have already done it or are planning to do so, and girl starts to wonder what the big deal is.

The first ’ship:

Usually a strong connection is at work with the first man;  a naivete accompanied by an alluring vulnerability drift her into a long unrestrained wave of highs and lows and pretty much every mental state unbeknown until then.

However long that first ship sails, from here on out, innocence toughened, emotions less worn on the sleeve, woman tries to be more in control of her next passion-infused interaction – a complete contradiction.

A contradiction forced into her interactions because she finds that she is addicted to his sexuality but allergic to everything else.

It is what sets the first time apart.  When all she paid attention to was his cute smile and subtle charm…nothing else mattered. And as much as we like to stay young-spirited as we grow old, more responsibilities inevitably shape our expectations and our sex lives.  But that’s a whole other issue to get into.

Back to the first time..

There is a beautiful clash that happens around it; the most seemingly complicated whirlwind of emotions, in hindsight, was the simplest most ‘no strings attached’ sex of her life.

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We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going cold..the first rehearsal for life is life itself” – Albert Camus (“A happy death”)

Lately  there’s a lot of heartbreak going around in my circle..

Couples  separating and non couples opting out of  vague relationships…I’m surrounded by people who are hurt, confused and who yearn for an explanation. This is not one.

Sometimes it seems obvious that a man/woman is simply not right for a friend. Then when the break-up happens the first phrase that comes to mind is “told you so” – three words nobody likes to hear…and for a reason. We’ve been there ourselves; what started as a sexual fling turned into an emotional roller-coaster…bla bla bla.

Let’s call them “crimes of passion” – actions that are guided by mysterious chemical or hormonal agents, which in hindsight might seem mistakes but were truly enjoyable at the moment.  Sometimes we realize this early on, but more often than not by the time we keep telling ourselves “stop liking him/her it will end up painful” we are in too deep. High on oxytocin we are now on  a joy ride going full speed…

Enter best friend:

“Girl what are you doing!?? don’t you see he’s a dick!, you deserve much better!”. Usually this is pointless..if it was this easy we would save ourselves some time.  In my experience these types of relationships usually run their course until one person simply can’t take it anymore.

Now the question becomes, are futile relationships or affairs preventable or are they simply inevitable experiences one  needs to learn  from?

On one hand  we get plenty of warnings and signs; apparent traits in people we know we should stay away from. This may be true, but we don’t act on those.  It is impossible to  change your taste in the opposite sex without changing your habits, views, and intentions first – changes that usually come with growth and aging.

As it turns out, by the time we get to our late twenties or early thirties and find ourselves still single, our standards have changed and we lose vulnerability as we begin to mistrust more easily.  Good or bad, it’s part of  life and it’s human frailty. It’s just too bad that often by the time we find that perfect someone we hold back because all the cold acting has taken a toll on us.

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With my small feet and delicate hands I will step into this space and time with conviction
Like a woman warrior conquering the unfolding heaps of friction
After which she will face her sword; a sword undoubtedly covered by the blood of mistakes, spilled by no other violence than the rousing combat of her own body, mind and soul..

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